And so they said; “One small step for mankind, one giant leap for your ego”.

Few know it, but Buzz Aldrin was the first punter to set foot on the moon. Also poorly documented is the fact that he was unimpressed. This frustrated Neil and was the source of the infamous ‘lunar scrap’.

Also poorly documented is the fact that Neil stepped onto the moon after Buzz and said in wonderment; “Would you just look at that?”

Buzz turned around to him and replied, “I could do with a coffee.” It was at that point that Neil lost his rag. He was already annoyed that Buzz kept eating all the peanuts. Now he wondered how he had ended up doing a moon landing with a philistine.

“Can we go one fucking day without you banging on about fucking coffee?” Said Neil with scorn.

Buzz glared back through his visor, planet earth as his backdrop.

“How dare you, Neil. You know I like my coffee. It keeps me sane.”

“You’re an astronaut.”

“Well, I’m a human being.”

“You ate all the peanuts.”

“As I said, I’m human.”

“You’re a fucking moron is what you are.”

“Well, if that’s the case, then I’m a moron who slept with your wife.”

That was it. Neil charged at Buzz. Took him down. Fisticuffs. They rolled around on the moon, beating each other over the helmets with their big space gloves. After a few minutes, they lost not to each other, but to a lack of gravity. It’s hard to win a fight when there’s nothing to aid the grounding of one’s enemy. Sun Tzu said that.

“Sorry,” mumbled Buzz, a little breathless and his hands planted on his knees. “You know how I get without a coffee.”

Neil was getting back on the ship, quietly cursing his partner and feeling sorry for himself. No one knows this, but he was often full of self-pity and this made him difficult to go for a pint with. When they arrived back in the USA, they vowed to never see each other again.

But not seeing each other was difficult. You know, because of the press and the national pride. Arguably, they made it work. Sharing many stages, they never scrapped again. But once, while Buzz was holidaying, he was rumoured to have said; “I wish I’d never gone to the moon. My lower back has never been the same again. Also, Nellie’s boring.”

As for Neil, he never did get over the peanuts and he regretted not following his passion for funeral directing.