They invited me to their party. It came via a text. I had wanted to stay in. I had anticipated staying in. I had looked forward to staying in. And so, I cursed the invite. Life was straightforward before the invite.
I sat on my bed, procrastinating. It cost me half an hour of life. For someone like me, valuable time. I don’t know how I arrived at the decision to go to the party, but go to the party I did.
The party. Not very good. People gurning their teeth away. Drinking the devil’s water. Lacking a grain of insight or wisdom, they spoke of everything yet said absolutely nothing. Worse, no one asked me a single question. They had no interest in the fact that I had recently had my hair cut. I thought I looked great. Like Tommy fucking Shelby. No one noticed. They really were a bunch of moronic twats.
At around half past ten, I left without telling anyone. In fits and starts, I ran home through the quiet streets of the night. Efficient, healthy, and cheaper than a taxi.
When I got in, I ate some food. A full English. Found some cookies hidden in a cupboard too. This was a just reward for my selfless attempt at socialising with a bunch of dullards. Eating it, comatose before the television, watching episodes of Seinfeld I’d seen a thousand times before, it was the best part of the night.
The following morning, I awoke. A friend called me. They asked where I’d gotten to last night. I said, “Home.”
They said, “Don’t you say goodbye?”
I said, “Irish goodbye.”
They said, “What?”
I said, “Irish goodbye.”
They said, “What?”
I hesitated. My attention was being drawn to an episode of Seinfeld I’d seen a thousand times before and I fancied some fish fingers. Better put the oven on, I thought. Better yet, the grill. Better yet, the air fryer. There was silence at the end of the phone. I hung up without saying anything. Why bother? Pleasantries are for people who have nothing interesting to say. Moreover, it would only delay me getting started on the fish fingers and returning to this episode of Seinfeld I’d seen a thousand times before.
